It’s here. Christmas. 3 days and counting.
The most thought about, the most dreamed about and the most dreaded.
Every chemo stay, every operation and every London appointment to me, led to Christmas.
It has been my anchor during this horrible year, it’s been the thing that’s kept me going.
I was determined to make it the best Christmas ever, for them. It’s always for them.
Every day at the moment, I wake up to a new memory on Facebook of this time last year and each time it feels as if I am reliving it all over again.
Last Christmas Eve was spent sat by an empty bed, staring at the lonely present left on his bed by the lovely play therapist.
Up until then, that was the worst day of my life.
Little did I know what the next year had in store for us.
I was a huge mix of emotions that day, missing my girls who were at home over 100 miles away. Terrified and eagerly waiting Ellis to be wheeled back and come round from his biopsy. Itching to get home to my babies in time to watch the magic in their eyes and excitement in their tummies.
All the while, feeling weirdly numb.
Last Christmas I didn’t dare look forward. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself go there.
My head was full of ‘what ifs’ and fear.
Scared doesn’t begin to cover it.
We didn’t tell the girls about Ellis until after Christmas and New Year.
Because I honestly was scared it might be the last Christmas with him. I wanted to give them all the best memories. I didn’t care that my heart was breaking, I didn’t care that I was falling apart inside, all that mattered is that they were together.
I’ve never said that out loud or admitted it until the other day.
That’s huge to carry around for a year and it feels overwhelming to let it out.
But we did it. We are here and we are ready to have the first Christmas of many.
As you may know if you have read my blogs before, I didn’t cry about the situation all year, I couldn’t.
But as I write this, tears are falling from my face.
I’m not sad.
I’m grateful beyond any words could do justice.
My babies are OK.
Actually, they are more than ok, they are happy and all super excited about Christmas.
I know the Covid thing is making this Christmas hard for many and I can’t imagine what that must be like, but for me, I couldn’t care less.
I don’t care if shops aren’t open.
I don’t care if we can’t go grab a coffee.
I don’t care if we can’t have a huge family gathering (the time will come I’m sure and it will involve allllll the gin 😜).
All I care is that I will wake up Christmas Day to 4 beautiful, healthy children all soaking up the magic of it just for that one day.
Champagne is already chilling and carrots and mince pies for Santa are ready to go.
Wherever you are this Christmas, whatever you are doing, take time to be grateful for something during this madness.
Because it will fill your heart much more than any gifts can.