I’m feeling so sad tonight for a variety of reasons, most of which I can’t even write about on here, but there is one huge one that I’m struggling with.
My beautiful girls. The girls who have took this year in their stride. They have been beyond incredible in their attitude, empathy and expressing their emotions. I could not be more proud.
But during this year, somewhere along this horrendous year, my girls have grown up.
And I’ve missed it.
Lily was only 3 when I was diagnosed and I remember that when it was all over I felt like I had missed out on her growing up. I didn’t know what her favourite dinner was anymore, what she liked to do or didn’t like. I remember this being so hard and I struggled for a long time with this.
Now it’s happening again.
I feel like I’ve been the shittest Mum to those girls this year.
I’ve been so consumed in Ellis and his needs and treatment, that I haven’t given them the time they need.
Iris doesn’t need me. She’s not fussed. It’s Daddy who she needs. When she can’t sleep, when she hurts herself, she doesn’t come to me anymore she goes to him. It’s beautiful to see their relationship blossom over this last year, but it selfishly hurts so much to see mine with her disappear.
She can now read so well and is absolutely thriving at school. She is super sassy and insanely crazy! She makes me so proud but I miss her desperately. I miss the months that I wasn’t here and I know I can never get them back. The weeks spent at the hospital, the times when I was here in body but my mind was always somewhere else to do with hospitals.
I threw myself into Ellis and getting him better.
Lily’s got a beautiful character and just gets on with things. She has a love for learning that hopefully will never change. She loves school and has settled back in with ease into her new year. She has to go to breakfast club and after School clubs every single day to fit around my work, but she never moans. Tonight I found a practice Kent test paper on her bedroom floor. She got 100%. She didn’t even show me. I’ve cried a lot lately, but this set me off again. Why didn’t she tell me? Why wasn’t she excited to show me? Did she think I would say I don’t have time? That kills me inside. I think back to things she has told me or shown me this last year and that’s exactly what I’ve done. “Not right now Lily, I’m just on the phone to the hospital” “Show me later Lily, I’m just trying to work out Ellis’ appointments”.
And then there is Beth. My mini me. The stubborn, funny, amazing eldest. She’s been pushed out more than the others, because of Covid and her dads we didn’t see her through the whole of lockdown. We kept in touch with FaceTime and texts, but I missed her so bad. I haven’t been involved in her schooling this year at all. She’s gone into year 11, the most important year and I feel like I’ve blinked and missed it. She is the most empathetic (not that she will know what that word means 😂) girl I know. The struggles she has faced have been huge, but she’s smashing life.
I feel guilty beyond any words can express about this year.
The impact it’s had on us a family is huge and I’m not sure if all of it can be repaired.
I have some serious making up to do with those 3 little ladies. I need to show them I’m here and not going anywhere. I need to get to know them again and start making memories.
I wish I could scoop them up and say sorry. Sorry for being a shit Mum. Sorry for not having time for you, sorry for not being the Mum you all deserve. But I had a battle to fight and I gave it everything I had.
Things are different now. I’m here.
And nothing is going to pull me away again.