I’m not sure if I’m even going to publish this or whether it’s just going to help me process it all. Either way, I’m writing it out.
I’m struggling at the moment, more than I have ever have.
The thing that has got me through this last year is the end goal. The bit after treatment where we can be normal. I longed for those day’s back.
But I didn’t bank on normal not being there anymore.
I feel so guilty that I’ve missed such a huge chunk in the girls lives. I miss being a mum, a proper mum. I miss knowing what they like to eat, how iris likes her bedtime routine, what Lily’s been up to. I feel so detached from them it hurts. They have grown up and have changed. Yes they are resilient, beautiful little ladies, but I’ve missed all that. I’ve missed the goodnight kisses, the lazy mornings, the trips to the park.
This is huge chunk of my life and their lives that I can never get back.
How do I go back to normal when everything is so different?
How do I feel at home in a house where it’s all changed.
I’ve hit rock bottom. Didn’t think pain like this existed, but here I am. I’m defeated. I’m exhausted and I’m weak.
I have been looking back at photos from America which was only last October. Little did I know this was the best time of my whole life. I had the most amazing job lined up, I was processing and learning to have a life without my Grandads. The kids were doing so well at school.
It was over.
My hell of a journey, my end point. I had reached it.
Looking at the photos and seeing the smiles, the laughs, the memories…. it doesn’t make me happy, it makes me sad.
I want that. I need that. But I don’t know how to get it again.
I long to feel the normal mundane routines of school and work. I long for those huge genuine cuddles from my girls because they’ve missed me, not a subtle head turn away from the TV because they are so used to me not being there.
I can’t imagine life being the same again. Well it’s not, I know that. But similar at least.
I feel like everything is spiralling around me. There is so much noise, so much panic and rushing.
I need to be still.
I have been talking to a lovely Macmillan counsellor and he has really helped me understand a few bits.
I need to take some control back in my life, this isn’t me. I make bold decisions based on trusting myself, I challenge myself to fight harder, I do things that scare me to laugh in the face of all things cancer. If I carry on like this it’s won again. I know this.
I don’t want cancer to be my enemy anymore. I don’t want it to be something I have to beat.
I am ready to roll over and accept it. That doesn’t mean it wins, maybe it was never a competition in the first place.
The last 7 years of my life have been consumed by it. I’ve blamed it, I’ve hated it and I’ve feared it.
Maybe it didn’t take anything from me after all, maybe it was just a by product of the situation. Maybe it was lessons that I needed to learn. Maybe it was lessons that have set me up for new challenges in my life life my job, new friendships.
I am not the person I was 7 years ago, so I think I’ve been pretty unfair on myself to feel guilty that I’m not the same person I was before Ellis’ diagnosis.
I want to be better, I want to grab life with both hands and shake the fuck out of it. I want to go on amazing holidays, eat amazing food, laugh so much I can’t breathe.
But my main focus now is finding me again. The new me. The girl who actually, against all odds is still standing. The girl who has learn that it’s ok to show that I’m vulnerable and that I’m sometimes not ok. The girl who feels lost and doesn’t know where to start.
But I will start.
And that’s the most important thing.