Today is hard. I’m feeling so sad for no reason.
These last 9 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One day I feel powerful and on top of the world and the next I feel like crying. Today is that day.
Nothing has happened, Ellis had his last two appointments yesterday at UCLH and all we are waiting on now is PICC line removal. It’s his birthday Thursday and we have a picnic celebration Saturday.
I don’t feel like celebrating.
I know that sounds silly. All I’ve done for the past 9 months is moan that I want it to be over, now it is I feel I don’t have to right to moan.
I feel like I should be having the best summer ever, making the most of our time off together but the truth is, most days I have lacked motivation to even get up.
I’m tired. Not the kind of tired where you can get an early night, the kind where your soul is tired.
I still haven’t cried yet. Not since the beginning. I desperately feel like I need to, but I can’t.
I feel like I’m stuck in limbo land where I just can’t feel anything.
I’ve been a shit mum this summer, I’ve not done much with the girls, not done much with Ellis on the days he’s been home. I see other families having days out, laughing, being silly. I want that. I don’t even have an excuse not to have that anymore.
I feel like I need to talk about the past 9 months, like really talk it through but to who? My counsellor is still not working due to COVID-19. Everyone else is so busy. I have the most amazing people around me, but I feel like a burden to them if I talk to them about it. Afterall, who would want to sit for hours listening to me going on? It probably wouldn’t make sense anyway. It will just be me talking about the really boring parts, the bits that never made it to the blogs. The everyday stuff. The stuff that I know I need to process in order to be ok.
I feel different. I feel like I have changed. I want more from life than to just get by. Life can change so so quickly. Would I be happy as I am if things changed again? Absolutely not.
I think about Christmas this year, that has always been my goal the whole way through. Last year I was so scared. I thought that he wouldn’t be here. I felt guilty for even thinking it, like somehow I was letting him down. I know that sounds silly.
I have put so much pressure on this summer and Christmas being perfect that it’s made it so much harder.
Nothing is ever perfect. Not the Facebook filtered lives you see, not the Instagram perfect pictures of how life should be. Life is fucking hard.
So why do I continue to raise the bar and push myself into making a ‘perfect’ life. That’s not me.
I just want a break. I want to empty my mind of hospitals, tests, children hen pecking me 24/7 that they are hungry or she looked at her the wrong way.
I want to feel like me again.
Not a hospital mum, not a super woman who has to do everything, just me.
I want to laugh so much that my belly hurts.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
This is such a moany blog, but when I feel I need to write, I write. No filters, no editing. Just writing.
I don’t even have a witty ending for this one. This is just it.