Today has been emotional for different reasons.
A year ago today we said goodbye to my amazing, brave, loving Grandad. A whole year has gone by and so much has happened. I miss him more than I can explain and I wish he had been here this year to tell me it would all be ok. He always had a way of making me feel like it was going to be ok.
I’ve cried today a lot. I wish things were different, I wish I could hear your voice bellowing from the front room “Ello Gem” when I come round. I wish I could hug you and kiss you and feel your stubbly chin on my cheek. I wish you could see how the kids have matured in a year. How much Iris has calmed down and not so feral 😂.
See my Grandad taught me to be brave, after all he was the bravest man I had ever met. He taught me through his amazing war stories about how some things are tough, but you have to make sure you are tougher.
This morning I was consumed with sadness. It physically hurt.
Then after a walk to clear my head and a phone call to my amazing Nan, I knew I would be ok. I always am. It’s kind of my thing.
I walked and walked around Regent’s Park, taking time to look up and breathe in the sweet aroma of the flowers. I watched families playing, couples kissing on a bench and people exercising. Life goes on. I mean, it has to.
I start thinking about what he would say to me if he was here.
“He’s a tough lad, Gem. He will be fine. Plus he’s a gooner, we’re always fine”
See no matter what decisions I made in my life, he never judged. He never made me feel bad. He accepted me for me, because he was my Grandad. I don’t think he ever knew what that meant to me.
Ive just had a wander around the ward as I’m enjoying the peace and darkness since that horrible lady has gone and it dawned on me.
This is my last night here.
Ellis has one more week next week with his dad then 1 day chemo and then he is done.
I took time to soak up the beautiful views across London and sit for a while and just be.
We’ve done it.
7 whole months of every emotion possible and we have done it.
I can’t even put into words how I feel.
Thinking back to the very first time we came on the ward on a very cold and wet December afternoon. We were shown around by Amanda, who has become family to us. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with everything- the noises, the smells, the brightly coloured walls, the people. It’s was so much to take in.
Then in the early days feeling so scared and helpless, wishing it would all go away and not seeing a way out.
But we’ve done it, Grandad. We are at the end. You would be so proud of us. We made it through.
This was my war.
Little did I know that every single story, every single memory you used to tell me from as far back as I can remember has prepared me for this.
Thank you for loving me, Grandad. Thank you for teaching me to be strong. Thank you for watching over us all when things have become too tough, you’ve given me nudges along the way, I have felt it.
I feel so many emotions tonight.
But sitting at the window looking at the sky I feel close to you.
We did this together, Grandad