Osteosarcoma

You haven’t finished. Not yet.

So, here we are again.

After 12 weeks of isolation, we are back inside for another 14 days.

I struggled mentally towards the end of lockdown, I had nothing but my thoughts. Nothing to motivate me, nothing to take my mind of things and nothing to give my brain the chance to just be.

When Ellis’ oncologist told us we no longer needed to shield, it was like a huge dark cloud had lifted.

We could go out. We could get fresh air and exercise. We could go out with the kids and let them run and hear them laugh. My family can be free.

I love challenging myself, its kind of what I do. I don’t settle. So as soon as we were allowed, I challenged myself to get fitter, to be more active and to soak up every opportunity to enjoy being outside.

I am a logical person and these past 7 years have taught me that you need something to focus on when times get tough.

I was hitting my 10,000 steps a day and feeling incredible for it. Long walks down to the sea, along the cliff side everyday. I felt alive.

Then Covid.

A lovely phone call to wake up to after the first proper nights sleep I had had in months.

“As your son has tested positive to Covid, you will all need to isolate for 14 day. No exercise, no walking dogs. Nothing.”

She may as well have told me to fuck off down the phone.

I am itching to go out. My mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts with no where to escape. My legs feel lazy, I am craving for that feeling when you’ve pushed yourself far enough that they ache.

Again, as with lots of times in my life, it got ripped from underneath me. Every single time I feel like I’m ok, it comes crashing down.

I picture life now like climbing a mountain. A huge, rocky, unsteady mountain.

The training for it hurts, it’s meant to . If it doesn’t hurt, you’re not doing it right.

You take baby steps to test the water, to see how far you can push your body. The first set back is always tough. Finding the motivation to carry on after that first fall is the hardest. But you do it, end goal in sight. New trainers to keep you feeling the part and that mentally you’re bossing it.

Once you get back up and dust yourself off, you feel incredible but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard.

You see other people on your training, some finding it easier, some harder. You learnt to not compare yourself with them, because after all, you don’t know how far along they are in theirs. A few encouraging words to the ones struggling to let them know they are not alone.

Once the novelty wears off it becomes a lot harder. Your once new trainers start to fray, your new leggings that once made your bum look nice are now worn and tired. Just like you.

But you haven’t finished. Not yet.

You know you must keep going. You know you must find a way, because you have people counting on you. Little eyes looking up at you in awe. You do it for them. It’s always for them.

I will reach the summit one day, I know I will. And there will be wine for daaaaaaays when I do. And possibly Phillip Schofield because he is life.

I just obviously have some more training to do. But I will never forget to look down to see how far I have come.

So until then, I will get up, get motivated and get my head back in the game.

For them.

Xxx

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