Cancer · Coronavirus · Covid-19 · Family · Lockdown · Osteosarcoma

When things get tough, I write

So here I am, leaning on the only coping mechanism I know.

I know most people won’t want to read this and see my blogs pop up and think ‘again?!’ So I wont be offended if you keep scrolling.

I wrote my last blog on how well I was coping and how resilience and positivity keeps me going. It gives me the strength to fight whatever is thrown my way.

Until today. I feel lost. I am terrified. I feel physically sick.

Ellis has tested positive for Covid-19.

My boy. My son. Not someone in the paper, not a story of a friend of a friend. My child.

The same child who has already been fighting cancer for 7 months.

I am beaten.

I can’t fight anymore.

I don’t want to have to fight anymore.

I very rarely get angry about our situation, but now it’s all I feel.

We were shielding for 12 weeks, not even going to a single shop. We have been so so careful and it still got us.

I keep racking my brain thinking was it me? Is is that time I went to the shop last week when the oncologist told us we could? Should I have checked on him more that he was washing his hands more? That time he pressed the lift button because he was being his usual stubborn self, I should have stopped him.

We all need to get tested, but until then I’m separating myself from everyone just in case. Glenn has come home from work to start the shielding all over again. Ellis is confined to his bedroom and I am in mine so we can have some kind of control over the situation.

I told the girls this morning, to remind them they need to be super careful and hygienic and not to go into his bedroom.

Lily is 10 and extremely empathetic. She just cried and cried. I just sat there watching. Do I hug her and potentially give it to her? Or do I sit helplessly. So I sat.

My heart feels like its been broken into a million pieces.

I’m scared that actually this time, things won’t be ok.

The laid back boy who never gets scared, is scared too.

Everything is blurred.

I have just spoke to UCLH who were incredibly lovely. They feel like family. We have to self isolate for 14 days and we have all got to be tested. If he gets symptoms, he can be treated at home unless he has a fever. If this happened, we follow our normal neutropenic protocol and head to Rainbow Ward.

So to all those people on the beaches and on the marches, this is the aftermath.

A family who have done everything right for the past 3 months. You have done this.

I am angry like you wouldn’t believe and I hate that. There is blame in this. There is fault.

People carrying on like nothing is wrong, all because they can’t see past their own noses.

I ironically had a conversation yesterday with a good friend about people going about their life and how I feel about it. I said anger is a wasted emotion. As long as we were doing as we should, we would be fine.

How wrong could I be.

My head is pounding, my eyes are sore and my heart feels liken it has been ripped out and stamped on.

I hate feeling angry and out of control. I hate that I’m helpless and letting the anger consume me.

But mostly I hate the fact its unfair.

What has my family done to deserve kick after kick. Every time I dare to feel in control or have the tiniest glimmer of hope, things fall apart.

I find myself seeing other families on Facebook and feeling so incredibly jealous. Why can’t that be us. Why can’t we just live like everyone else. Why have hospitals and tests become our norm.

I am finally broken.

Xxx

3 thoughts on “When things get tough, I write

  1. I am so sorry to hear of this latest blow for Ellis and your family. Life can be cruel and unfair and I’m sure you’re thinking what the hell next! Don’t look at pictures on Facebook and be jealous …. 99.9% of it is not real – it is just a snapshot of one second in a families life. They are not perfect and they are all dealing with stuff, but most like to hide it, cover it up, pretend it’s not happening. I often put on my rose tinted glasses so I don’t have to deal with stuff, but you can’t do that – your stuff is real, it’s your boy and you can’t pretend it’s not happening. It’s natural to be angry, you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t. I’m sure your all scared too, of what might happen to Ellis, to you, afraid of the unknown. But you know what, when you wake up tomorrow you will feel different – you will have got over the shock and you will put your mum head on and do what you do best – be mum. You will be there for the family and you will help them through this latest phase ….. it will pass and I have everything crossed that it does not cause any complications. Stay strong, look after yourself and take care (And I truly mean that) x

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  2. I also am going through chemo for osteosarcoma and caught covid off the hospital ward after my second cycle. Luckily things didn’t get too bad but I had 3 weeks of constant fever and generally worn out and off my food. I was admitted for a week in Northampton general as I was neutropenic, and then another 4 days at Leicester Royal Infirmary where I normally have my chemo. Several days on strong antibiotics and GCSF injections to get all my levels up and a further week after all that to rest at home before any more chemo.
    Like you’ve written about though, youth is on your son’s side and recovery will hopefully be swift.

    Best wishes.

    Toby

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