Not really sure where to start.
Last week Ellis had a routine echocardiogram for his heart. He has one before each chemo cycle to make sure his body will be able to cope.
The echocardiogram showed borderline LV systolic impairment. This means the left ventricle of his heart, which pumps the most blood around his body, is becoming weak. The ventricle isn’t contracting like it should therefore doesn’t pump blood with enough force to push it around his body.
So the drugs that are saving his life are damaging his heart.
He had another appointment today (4th journey in a week) with the hope of starting chemo.
But his oncologist has expressed her concern and he can’t start today. They have delayed his chemo by a week. He has to go up again next Monday to have another echocardiogram with a heart specialist.
Just when you think you’re sailing on the calm, another storm comes. You foolishly lead yourself into feeling complacent with the situation, like you have some kind of control over what’s happening. You sail along actually daring to think you’ve got this.
But with cancer, you never have. Not really.
You find ways to help you manage, little comforts to help you feel safe but in the end cancer is always in charge no matter how much you fool yourself.
With every bit of news, every needle, every operation you think to yourself, enough now. Enough of putting my child through the pain. Enough of the emotional ups and downs and the explanations as to why cancer chose him. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and cry with him. It’s not fair.
The boy with the kindest heart in the whole world has been told his is borderline failing.
But is he worried? Not at all. He’s a soldier on a mission.
Whatever is thrown at him, he doesn’t bat an eyelid.
Cancer? No problem.
Metal implant? Not scared.
Borderline heart failure? Bring it on.
I am in absolute awe of this boy.
But please, even for a child as resilient as he is, enough now.