Cancer · Family · Osteosarcoma

The longest wait of my life

So today is the day. We are in Stanmore RNOH and Ellis is currently downstairs in theatre having his operation. I’m in our empty room trying to keep myself occupied for the next 3-4 hours. The surgeon is confident that everything will go smoothly, which reassure us both. The staff have been so lovely, making sure we are both ok.

I feel sick.

I’m emotional.

I’m angry.

I’m tired.

I feel guilty.

I feel sad.

But at the same time I don’t even know how I’m feeling. Not that that makes sense.

Ellis’ bravery and laid back attitude has me in awe of him. He was laughing and joking right up until he fell asleep, telling the surgeon that he was going to call childline because I wouldn’t buy him Krispy Kremes 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’ve been for a walk around the lovely grounds of the hospital, taking in some fresh air and found a lovely little coffee shop to escape in for a moment. I am now watching This Morning in our room hoping a bit of Phillip Schofield would take my mind off it all. Even the silver fox himself can’t help me today.

I feel so lonely. I miss my husband and other children so much. They can’t even visit because we are so far away and even if they wanted to, the ward doesn’t allow visitors now. I just have to wait until the weekend and keep going.

I can’t even begin to imagine how Ellis will feel after the operation. He’s so cool and calm but waking up with half your leg missing and a metal bone replacement must be strange to say the least. He’s good at talking and saying how he feel, which I think attributes to his laid back approach to it all. He is very self aware and I love that. He makes me proud beyond words, all my kids do. The way they are coping with it all, taking it in their stride blows my mind. If I have done anything right in my life, I’m glad it’s that.

This blog probably doesn’t make sense and it mostly rambling random thoughts I have, I blame it on the fact I have no one here to talk to!

Only about an hour to go, depends on how it is going. My hearts beating a million times a minute, my palms are sweaty and even Phillip isn’t helping.

So whatever you are doing during this next hour, please think about Ellis and keep fingers and toes crossed that everything is going ok.

I can’t wait for him to wake up and start being annoying again.

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