This weekend Ellis has been taken into our local hospital because he was in contact with someone with chicken pox. Absolutely no ones fault, no one could have predicted it but still fucking frustrating.
Ellis has begged and begged me to have a sleepover for so long now but I’ve continued to say no. I am an overthinker and very much a glass half empty kind of person. I would put him in an isolation room for the next 6 months if I could. But he was bored. He was going stir crazy and just wanted to be a child and have some fun. So I finally let him go….. then this happens.
I’m angry. Not at anyone, but the situation. He was meant to start chemo today, but we are unsure whether it will go ahead now or not. This will mean a delay in his operation which is booked for 2 weeks time. The thought of his cancer staying there for longer than necessary terrifies me. What if it uses that week to grow? What if it imbeds itself deeper which will make surgery more complicated. One little delay may not seem much, but could mean everything.
I’m angry at Ellis, then I feel guilty for it. I want him to take the situation more seriously, but in the same breath I am glad he doesn’t. He is so laid back it’s refreshing.
I just want it all to go away. The hospitals. The crying. The worrying. The machine noises. The uncomfortable beds. The not being able to plan anything. The worry in my children’s eyes every time something unexpected happens. The constant asking how he is or how I am (it’s lovely but would rather it didn’t have to happen in the first place). The medical jargon that we still don’t fully understand. The endless appointments to and from London. The constant financial strain, even with the generous money raised.
I just want things to be normal. I want my only worry to be what I am going to cook for dinner or what costume my fussy child will want to wear for World Book Day. I want to see Ellis looking smart in his school uniform, having to tell him off for losing yet another item of uniform at school!
I want our life back.
But we are only a quarter of our way through. We have to do it all again 3 more times before it’s over. It’s not fair.