Today is not a good day.
Or yesterday- it’s 2am so I have no idea what day is what.
Ellis had his appointment at RNOH to meet his surgeon who will be doing the operation. What an amazing man, we are so full of confidence in him which is such a nice feeling. He is having Limb Salvage Surgery, where they are cutting 18cm of his femur and knee joint away, replacing it all with a fully bendable metal implant. Amazing. The technology is incredible and the knowledge of this man is second to none.
This week has been the hardest emotionally. When I did my counselling course, we learnt that your mind is like a bucket. Everyday, you fill up your bucket by listen to others,making sure they are ok emotionally. But at the end of the day, you need to empty your bucket before you can begin filling it the next day. So having some self care to look after yourself.
This week my bucket is well and truly overflowing. I have 4 little people who depend heavily on me emotionally at the moment, which I do not begrudge one bit. They can all talk to me open and honestly about how they are feeling which is amazing. ❤️
It’s just so hard.
On top of the emotional side of things is the physical side. A side that there just isn’t room for anymore. Hypothyroidism, fibromyalgia, migraines…. these are minor details now in an all consuming hand we’ve been dealt. I don’t have time to feel shit. I don’t have the capacity to think about looking after myself to prevent migraines. I don’t have the energy to make sure I’m eating well so I’m the best I can be for everyone else.
Ellis’ hair is starting to fall out in clumps now. He’s a lot less strong than he makes out. But like me. He puts on a brave face, showing the world he is ready for the fight, but inside he is scared. We all are.
The other girls are all trying to cope in their own ways and I have never been so proud of them as I am lately. They are strong, feisty but empathetic young women. Watch out world 💪🏻☺️
But it’s hard. Harder than I have let myself imagine. I have to be up in 3.5 hours. I’m worrying about the little one as she’s got a horrible cold, which might mean a day off school. A day for parents who are already taking the piss with employers in terms of the amount of days off we are having.
It’s like you forget that life’s goes on when something big happens.
Ellis’ cancer is our big thing. And I feel pangs of guilt every time one of the others coughs or says they feel ill because we simply cannot take any extra time off.
I wish I could be there for them all equally and I feel so guilty for that.
I’m making extra effort to make sure they all have some of my time, but I feel the more I try, the harder it is.
I feel like a clown spinning lots of plates all at once, ready for them to come crashing down at any time.
I need to stop. I need to stop pretending I’ve got this shit covered, because I really, really haven’t.
And the thing that makes it worse?
I know it’s going to get a whole lot harder before it starts to get better.