So Ellis is back from hospital for two weeks recovery, before starting chemo again. Yesterday was the worst day he’s had by far, but he’s better today.
Not really a blog about him today. Just a moan about how shitty life can be and how we just have to pull up our big girl pants and carry the fuck on.
So as well as being a Mum to 4, I am also a Wife, have two huskies and work full-time. And yes it’s bloody hard. But you get yourself into a routine and go with it. I’m the queen of blagging things. Non uniform the next morning? Blag it. Bring snacks to school for the party that day? Blag it. Realised the 10 year old hasn’t had a bath all week? Blag it.
Im not going to lie, I’m finding it so hard. Caring for a sick child is a full time job in itself, without the added other siblings, dogs, husbands and a job.
People have asked me lots if I’m still ok at work and they think I need to go home and be with Ellis. Truth is, I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be put in this position all over again.
When I was ill, cancer took everything from underneath me. Years and years of college and voluntary work to get into uni, all gone. None of it mattered anymore because cancer said so. See my cancer tried to destroy everything I had. My new relationship, my friendships, my career, my health and my self esteem.
It took 6 years of fucking hard work to get to where I am now. And I’m damned if it’s taking it all away from me again. I spent the 6 years exploring my mind in ways I never knew existed. I was enough, I was capable and I was going to achieve. A huge middle finger up to the big C.
This is why I’m still working. This is why I have made the choice to carry on. I’m aware that to the outside I must look like I don’t care. I shouldn’t have to justify my decisions to anyone. Of course I care. Of course I’m absolutely terrified of what the future holds. I will be with him half of the chemos and all the times he’s at home.
Do I feel guilty? More than anyone would understand.
Is it the right decision for me and my family? Absolutely.
As a mum you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Working mothers get stick, mums on benefits get stick. Mums who breast feed vs mums who don’t. Designer buggies against cheaper supermarket brand.
When did we as a society feel the need to punish the one person in each family, who already spends the majority of her day judging herself anyway.
Of course I would do anything to be with him 24/7 and to take the pain and sickness away but I can’t.
To be there for him, I need to be ok in my own head.
And for that to happen, I can’t let cancer win. Not again.