Cancer · Family · Osteosarcoma · Thyroid

Because positivity is all we have

So today is almost 2 weeks since the first GP appointment. It’s been the most surreal 2 weeks of my whole life, a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts.

Christmas Eve was his appointment at RNOH Stanmore for his MRI, CT scan and biopsy. We decided that because the hospital was almost a 3 hour drive away, my husband would stay at home with the girls to make it as normal a Christmas Eve as possible. Anyone who knows me or who has read my blogs before knows that I am Christmas personified. The definition of Christmas in skinny jeans. I am that person who thaws out Micheal Bublé on 1st November. So this year was hard. My heart was torn between my girls and my boy. He needed me more than they did, they had a busy day planned laying the table, having a daytime bath that’s only acceptable Christmas Eve and opening their new PJs that we wrap up for them every year.

We planned to leave at 4am as we had to find our way there and be on the ward ready for 7am. However, we were both awake at 3am, so I text Ellis’ Dad to see if he was up. Of course he was. We left earlier than planned, which meant no rushing. Ellis was nil by mouth as he was being put under general anaesthetic that day for his biopsy, so none of us had a drink in the car. Me with no coffee is not a good sight!

We arrived early and couldn’t work out how to get in the building 😂 being Christmas Eve, it was empty and all the lights were out. We finally managed to find a way in and were shown to his ward. It was a brand new building, with new amenities and even a screen with his name on, which he was impressed with.

There was a lot of waiting around, a lot of different staff members and a lot of information. He had 3 MRIs first thing, that took 2 hours all in all. He can’t straighten his knee now, so they had trouble getting a clear picture of what was going on. He had a full body, knee and spine MRI. All the while, his Dad and I sat outside and waited.

Next was his general anaesthetic. He was wheeled around the hospital by a porter, in an electric wheelchair, which made his day. He was sitting there with his pillow and blanket, taking the piss out of us ‘peasants’ who had to walk. Dick.

His biopsy was done under a CT scanner, so they could get the best view or something.

Ellis is only 12 but at 5’7″ he’s not a small lad. But seeing him on the bed when they put the mask and injection in him destroyed me. He looked so helpless and it really brought it home to me what was going on. The anaesthetist asked him if I wanted to kiss his head before I left. I just stood there, frozen, crying my eyes out. I suppose maybe now he was asleep I was allowed to not be brave? It all just came out.

He wasn’t in there long, just over an hour I think. An hour of small talk and twiddling our thumbs.

He was wheeled back in his bed, like royalty again. Even at this point he was enjoying lording it over us. After a sip of water he went on to demolish a ham sandwich, a donut and a plate of lasagna. This boys a machine.

We were finally allowed to leave at 5.30 and got home just after 8pm as the roads were clear.

My amazing husband had kept the girls up for me so I could give them a cuddle and do the Christmas Eve routine with them.

Christmas this year has been weird. I feel like I’ve not really had one. It’s involved lots of fake smiles and not cancelling plans as we need to keep things ‘normal’. We had family visits, my husbands work Christmas meal and other bits. All of which I just wanted to be at home pretending none of this was happening.

Today we took our tree and decorations down as we want to be prepared for whatever tomorrow brings. I couldn’t shake the dread that the next time I put the tree up, things could be very different for our little family.

I’m trying to be positive, trying to be ok.

After all, what else do I have


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