Maybe, just maybe I won’t get the closure I need…

It’s been a long time since I have wrote on my blog. Life takes over, priorities change and things change.

I’ve been in a much better place with it all lately, accepting the millions of appointments as my goal was in sight. My last appointment under the clinical trial, the last 6 monthly review from the NHS and the psychological end to a very long 6 year journey. I never wanted a party, or a huge fuss, just to know that I could let go. I could have closure from this roller coaster of a life that’s been handed to me. I so longed for this to happen. This was my strength through the hardest times, through the scary times and through the utterly confused times. It was my end. You can ride any storm when you know it has an ending, right?

But Yesterday my ending didn’t happen. Nothing bad happened, I’m still cancer free and in the clear, which is fantastic. My storm is still looming above. It’s like a having a huge headache that you can’t shift, or having an additional years payment on a car finance that you don’t want 🤣

The treatment that I have to have is called Thyrogen. It’s normally a treatment you have at the beginning of it all, before the radioactive iodine treatment. But I had that 5 years ago… so why now? I’ve got to have a week of juggling childcare, negotiating around work, feeling shit and relying on others. I hate being the ill one. I hate not being able to take care of my children and ask for help. I’ve done all that.

My family and friend are literally the best and I know I wouldn’t even have to ask for support, because I have been inundated with offers in last 24 hours. It’s the switch in mindset. I’m strong now, I’m independent, I know my limitations and I juggle life like a boss 🙌🏻 My daughter comes to all my appointments with me as she’s grown up not knowing any different. She sits on my lap when I have bloods taken, I don’t need anyone to have her. We’ve got this. So to have to go back to being looked after and vulnerable terrifies me.

I just feel shit. There are no fancy words that describe how I feel better than that.

I see amazing pictures and videos of cancer patients ringing the bell when their treatment is over, it’s empowering. The relief they must have, the closure must be amazing.

But what do I get? Because my cancer was ‘the good cancer’ 🤦🏼‍♀️ I get nothing.

Cancer is for life. It has changed me as a person, it has changed the way my body works and has changed my outlook on life. So for good or for bad, I need to mark the occasion and move on.

To me, my cancer very much brought grief. I grieved for long time for the person I used to be, for the life I used to have. The most important things in experiencing grief is closure. You go through all the steps, in whatever order your body needs, then you let go. So why is this any different? I’ve been angry, I’ve been in denial, I’ve blamed people, I’ve been sad. Now let my mind have the last bit. I want to move on so desperately, but tell me how to do that when they are still holding onto the very last thread?

This is a sentence that’s echoed quite a lot in my blogs, but life after cancer is fucking hard.

I know I sound silly and ungrateful, but can’t shift this feeling of sadness and frustration. There are so many people who have never got the chances I’ve had and would give anything to have a few more months of treatment. But does this make me wrong? Do I have to just accept that this is what my life is?

I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last 6 years, I’ve been kinder to myself more than ever, I’ve put my body and my well-being first and fought demons that at one point, didn’t think would go away.

So please, doctors, nurses, health professionals, people like me need closure too. We need validation. We need to hear the words ‘it’s over’ because we genuinely fear it may never be.


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