Urgh, this again

Urgh this again.

My grandad passed away last week. I’ve been listening in awe to the stories of what a great Dad my grandad was, hearing funny stories about him being naughty and typical grandad! Seeing all around me, family pulling together looking after their own. The truth is, I don’t know what that feels like. Not the family part, my Mum is literally the best mum I could ask for and my sisters are now my best friends. I can’t relate to having a relationship with a dad. A protector. The only man who should steal your heart. The man I should look up to and turn to when life is hard. I don’t know what that’s like.

My other grandad is now in a hospice and the day me and my sister visited him, my “dad” left 5 minutes before we got there. He chose again to not see us. He chose again to reject us. Just when I think I’m over it, he pops up just to remind us of how he failed and continues to fail. My husband has never even met him. My children think I simply don’t have a Dad. Every psychology book ever says when you experience loss, you have to grieve. Only thing is, he’s not dead so he won’t even let us do that. So we are in limbo. Still wondering why. Still wondering where we went wrong. Wondering what we did to make him hate us so much.

Yes maybe I need therapy to help me with these feelings. Or maybe I need a frank conversation with him to help me deal with it in my head. All I know is that every time I think Im over it and that I’m dealing with that shit, it feels like it comes down like a tonne of bricks.

So where does this leave me? How do I carry on. Do I go through the same routine that I seem to go through every time my Nan or grandad mention his name. Convince myself that I’m better off without him, I don’t need him. Only for it all to come crashing down every time he decides to play the doting family man and try to convince people that’s he’s totally not doing it for the inheritance 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don’t even have a positive, strong line to go at the end of this blog.

All I know is that I’m actually not OK after all.

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