This is me now and I’m finally ok with that.

I haven’t wrote a blog for so long, but I thought now was a good time to update everyone. For the past 5 months I have been learning to live with having an official fibromyalgia diagnosis. I have gone through a whole range of emotions in that time. Anger; why me, why my body AGAIN. Relief; finally a name to put to all of my symptoms, I’m not going crazy after all. Sadness; is this me forever? Frustration; I was naively thinking diagnosis would mean the end, but it really was just the beginning. Denial; research suggesting that fibromyalgia is not really a thing, so there must be something else they have missed?

I am now in a really good place and I have accepted that this is just me now and I can’t change it, I’ve just got to live with it. Don’t get me wrong, I have the odd off day, when I have planned to do something for the day with the kids but have to cancel because my head hurts so much or the brain fog is so bad that I can’t think straight. I do worry about what their childhood is like, growing up seeing their mum in pain most days. It makes me feel so guilty. But if anything, it teaches them compassion and I like to think they know I try my absolute hardest everyday.

I am still waiting for my pain clinic referral, which I have been told is worth waiting for. I have had physio, with the most uncaring, patronising man I have ever met. Needless to say, I didn’t go back for my follow up appointment. I have stopped weighing myself because I know I am piling on the pounds, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am learning to love myself again. I will never be the person I used to be 5 years ago, size 10, outgoing, not a care in the world, staying up past 9pm 😂 This is me now and I am weirdly ok about that.

I am learning my triggers slowly. Stress is a HUGE one for me. A stressful day can lead to a a migraine attack lasting a few days. Sleep is also another trigger. A late night or broken sleep will also lead to the mother of all migraines. The one I hate the most and the one I’ve been denying to myself for a long time is coffee 😫😫 I LOVE my coffee, so much that I have lost count on the amount of coffee making devices I have in my kitchen! But after coffee I feel sluggish and brain fog is at it’s worse. It’s been a real learning curve for me since diagnosis, learning what my body like and dislikes, coming to terms with the fact I can’t do the things I used to or can’t eat/drink the things I used to love.

I have also completed my first course since I left uni 5 years ago! My long term goal is to become a counsellor and the first step was to complete Level 2 counselling skills, which I completed last month. I start the Level 3 in September, which I am literally counting down the days for!

The kids have finished school for the summer holidays so I have no school runs to do, no lunchboxes to pack and no uniforms to make! Just 6 weeks of being lazy and spending quality time with my little family.

We are saving like mad to take the kids back to California next year, so we have booked a little break away camping next week. It was a really good idea at the time, when the sun was shining… but now I’m dreading it! 4 children in a tent for a week. A toddler who is so particular with certain things- the slightest thing different can send off into a meltdown! A teenager who, as long as there is WiFi she should be ok, a pre-teen who will have no xbox for a week and will have to spend time actually taking to real life people and an 8 year old who as long as she has got some maths to do, should be ok.

Wish me luck 😂

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