Today’s been really hard.
There’s not a part of me that doesn’t hurt. The bones in my legs feel like they are on fire, like I’ve run a marathon… but all I’ve done is the school run.
My body is fed up. It hates me.
I’ve been so exhausted all day, but now can’t sleep.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my rheumatology appointment coming up and the fact that even an official diagnosis won’t change anything so is it even worth going? I don’t even know what to expect. My experience with the health care profession is that it’s so hit and miss. One day I’ll meet a lovely GP or consultant who genuinely cares, then the next it’ll be some stuck up graduate on a power trip, reading out of his newly purchased text book, telling me how I should be feeling. Will I be prodded and poked? Will I be made to feel like I’m making it all up? Will they take one look at my notes and see my history and decide I need putting down?!
Do I really want another diagnosis? Something else to put in my already over sized hospital notes?
I’m so sick of being a patient. So sick of hospitals, blood tests, forms and medical jargon. I want to be normal. I find my self envying my friends, the way they can’t remember the last time they went to the GP, the way that their fortunate health is somewhat taken for granted, the way that they are able to be themselves. I’ve almost forgotten who the real me is. I suppose this is me now?
I’m sick of hurting. My legs, my head, my stomach all daily without fail. Some days are much worse than others, like today. It’s like being slowly pecked at, going on and on and on and on until I feel like I’m going to explode.
I know other people are a lot worse than me and I should be fortunate for what I have… and I am. I really am. It just really fucking sucks sometimes.
Most people collect letters at the end of their names, that was my goal once. Now I collect medical terms.
Helpmemybodyisbroken…. I think they should invent that one just for me
Next blog I will be positive!
I’m just quite enjoying wallowing in my pitty party for one tonight.