The waiting game…. again

So this happened today. A letter for an ultrasound that I have no clue about.

 At my last appointment in January I had a new consultant. He was a very confident man, looked like he knew what he was talking about which was really reassuring and quite refreshing given my track record of health professionals. 

I arrived for my appointment in plenty of time, only for him to be running 45 mins late. 45 mins of more parking charges. 45 mins of keeping an already agitated toddler entertained. To be fair 45 mins late is becoming the norm at my appointment. My worst one was running 4 hours behind, so 45 mins in nothing in comparison! 

At every appointment I get my neck felt for any lumps, bumps etc. He started to feel my neck and made a few funny hmm noises, making me think he had found something. He paid particular attention to the right hand side which is the opposite side to where my cancer was. 

He turned to me and said “Do you mind if I have a quick look with a camera” of course I said yes, naively thinking he meant just opening my mouth and looking in my mouth. 

But I was very wrong! He came at me with a long wirey device and shoved it right up my nose! I was not prepared for that! I was terrified, started to gag. My nose was running, my eyes were running, my daughter was crying in her buggy obviously seeing me in distress. My Trial nurse was in the room with me and was equally as shocked as me! 

He then returned to his seat and started to write. He didn’t even offer me a tissue I had to ask him for one. He started asking questions to do with my trial, like when were my bloods taken, when was the last time I had an ultrasound (which was the month before). I had only had my tumour marker blood test done that day, so he didn’t have any results. 

He told me if the results are bad I would be contacted and if they weren’t I wouldn’t. 

I came out feeling so confused and stupid as I now had all of these questions rushing around in my head but it was to late to ask them. My trail nurse was as lovely as always, asking me if I was ok and admitting even she didn’t know what had just gone on. 

A few days passed, then weeks. I had not heard anything so I assumed that all was ok. Bad when you just have to assume about something as important as this. 

I then received a letter from my consultant to my GP stating that he had had a look at my vocal cords with the camera as he felt a lump. That’s all I could work out in the letter. 

Now 4 months later I get this. 

When you have been diagnosed with something like cancer it turns you into a nervous wreck. You question everything. You imagine the worst all the time. But do they recognise this? Do they make you feel at ease? No! They send me random scans out of the blue, don’t tell me what it’s for, don’t let me know the results of my tumour marker. I’m like just a number not a person. 

So we will see what next Wednesday holds. 5 whole nights of worry when I already find it hard to sleep. 

I’ll keep you posted


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